In My Own Words
First of all, let me take a brief minute of your time to rant. I would like to say, for the benefit of all readers, that Utah roads and drivers suck ass. Granted, there are notable exceptions to this statement, but in general this holds true.
If you ever have a chance to visit or drive through the great state of Utah, you'll most likely be impressed by the landscape. The Wasatch mountains are lovely throughout the year, and the areas around Salt Lake can be scenic and beautiful in their own way. The Great Salt Lake itself isn't too beautiful, but it is big.
But, chances are you'll never get to pay attention to any of this scenery, because one or more of the following cases will likely be true:
- Some car will be tailgating you, right up on your ass, until you can't see their license plate.
- Half a dozen large semi-trucks will be passing you in the right lane.
- More than a few senior citizens will be driving 53 MPH in the left lane.
- Interstate 15 will be torn up, closed for your exit, or more ragged than a volcanic crater.
- More cars will be tailgating and passing you at 85+ MPH, as you do 75 MPH with the rest of traffic, in a 65 MPH freeway.
- Turn signals will rarely be used.
- Surface streets will have rough curbs, large bumps and dips at intersections, and generally poor pavement quality. You will frequently scrape the underside of your car when entering a side street or a driveway, unless you slow to 3 MPH.
- Drivers will do very stupid things without thinking first.
- Drivers will change lanes at a moment's notice, without looking to see if another car occupies that same lane.
- Utah Highway Patrol officers will see none of this in broad daylight. However, they will most likely notice a burned-out tail light when you drive on the freeway alone, and at the proper speed.
- In addition, officers will be more likely to pull over any car with a bumper sticker which does not portray a conservative or culturally-acceptable opinion.
- Any driver with a "nice car" (BMW, Audi, Mercedes, etc.) will likely be a dillhole.
- Sport-Utility Vehicles, filled with a "soccer mom" and at least 5 children, will be partaking in wild stunts on the road in order to reach the next red light before you do.
Are you beginning to see a trend here? I'm pretty sure it isn't just me. Most of my co-workers are from out of state, and they see the same things I do. Since I've only lived here 4.5 months it's still something of an annoyance, but they seem to be used to it by now.
Sorry about all this. It's just my way of venting and sharing misery. It doesn't change reality, but I do feel better. (grin)
Wisdom From Another
I got a very appropriate e-mail from a co-worker the other day. The sad part is, it's all true. (I swear I didn't write this one!)
The New Utah Driver's Handbook
- A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
- Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Utah driver never uses them. Use of them in West Valley may be illegal.
- Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
- Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
- The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
- Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
- Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
- Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.
- Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Utah look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median.
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
- Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Utah driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.
- Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
- It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work.
- Learn to swerve abruptly. Utah is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to potholes.
- It is traditional in Utah to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
- Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Lehi where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.
- Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Utah it is common to stop and then decide which direction to turn.
- Remember that the goal of every Utah driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
- Real Utah female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
- Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
Updates - June 2001
Due to the rising popularity of this page, I've been getting comments from people far and wide. So far, most of them seem to be agreeing with me. Here are some of the comments:
People, these kinds of comments are exactly what we all need to hear. Please keep the submissions coming in!Co-worker and good friend Aaron suggested a new rule:
If you ever reach an intersection and find out that you needed to turn right but somehow are in the FAR left turn lane - go ahead and turn right.Roy, a website visitor, writes this:
This is probably the most true website on the internet. It is sad that California has such a bad reputation-- I would rather spend 5 days stuck in traffic in LA than spend 5 minutes in Utah with all [its] idiots.